Helloooooooooo boys and girls and boys dressed up as girls! It’s time for another edition of TALKING DRAG RACE with Chiffon Dior. If you’re reading this, it means you’re either a close personal friend of mine, darling, or you have one of those tragic red state cable companies that refuses to carry Logo (but on the bright side, you can probably watch “The 700 Club” on demand).
Well either way, it’s time to spill the tea on this week’s edition of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” … or as John Travolta would call it, “Rand Paul’s Dog Rash.”
This time, we got seven new bitches competing against each other for the chance to make it to this week’s Tribal Council and get back to camp to meet up with the other survivors (or something like that). Just like last week, the girls filed in one by one, making their dramatic entrances for all the fans at home.
First up is Bianca Del Rio, a quick-witted insult comic queen wearing enough makeup to shame Tammy Faye Baker. She announces her arrival to no one in particular since the room is empty.
The parade of divas continues with Trinity K. Bonet, who sounds an awful lot like Jamie Foxx; Joslyn Fox (who may or may not be out on loan from Mensa International); and Magnolia Crawford, whose nose was so cosmetically contoured it looked like Danny Devito’s in “Batman Returns.”
Next out was Australian superstar Courtney Act, who made thousands of women across the country sigh in unison, “She is SO much prettier than I am!” They were all correct. Courtney is an icon Down Under, having made it all the way to the semi-finals of the first season of “Australian Idol.” (If you’re slow, that’s like “American Idol,” only in Australia.)
Rounding out this batch of good wholesome gals was Milk, who showed up looking like a cross between a Mexican bullfighter and Mary Poppins, and Darienne Lake, who’s large and in charge and happy to let everyone know it.
The girls were quickly shuffled over to a bed for a photo shoot with four half-naked muscle men. (Let’s just say they were lucky that “Untucked” didn’t accidentally start 45 minutes early.)
So like the true professionals that they are, the ladies did their best work in bed. And during the course of the shoot, this little gem happened.
“Pillows are coming in my face!” – Joslyn Fox
For those of you playing along at home, feel free to insert your own joke here.
Moving on, Trinity emerged as the victor of the mini-challenge, giving her rights to assign different party boxes to the other queens to use for the main runway challenge. She took the Princess party for herself, giving the rest of the parties — St. Patrick’s Day, Hoe Down, and Republican among them — to her rivals.
Our fearless heroines then got to work on their outfits before they were visited as always by boy Ru, who chatted up each queen and stirred up just enough drama to create a slight bit of doubt for the audience that their favorite just might not safe. (Truth be told, they could only manufacture so much chaos this week because it quickly became obvious who was getting the stiletto’d boot.)
So then it was off to the main stage for these bitches to strut their party looks on the runway for our judges: RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Santino Rice and special guest judge Khloe Kardashian (who proceeds to repeatedly share WAYYYYYYY too much about her lady parts).
The runway was quite fabulous this week with Trinity K. Bonet unveiling a fierce Queen Amidala-inspired look from the crappy “Star Wars” prequels, Bianca serving “Blue Hawaii” realness, Joslyn serving ADHD realness by using basically every single fabric in her party box, Milk somehow making a long white beard work, and Courtney wearing essentially a handkerchief **cough skinny bitch cough**.
The remaining ladies didn’t fare nearly as well. Darienne’s St. Patty’s Day look was rather bland (and provided yet another excuse for Khloe to talk about her vaj), and Magnolia’s cowgirl look was a poorly glued-together piece of cow print fabric.
The two of them were thus forced to lip sync for their lives to Gloria Estefan’s “Turn the Beat Around.” Once again Ru reminds the ladies “don’t f— it up,” but even if Magnolia hadn’t been so surly to the judges (and oh she was), the simple fact that Darienne knew the lyrics to the song was probably enough for her to win the challenge — forcing Magnolia to sashay away.
This week’s lessons, then, are learn how to sew before going on “Drag Race,” don’t argue with the judges about your subpar costume, and for God’s sake, know the lyrics to drag show standards.
Next week, the two rival tribes will meet in what can only be described as a gay “West Side Story” — or rather, a more gay “West Side Story” — and I’ll be back with more “Drag Race” shenanigans. Ta ta for now, kittens!
Chiffon Dior spends far too much of her day online, taking breaks only to eat, shower and the occasional trip to Starbucks or the MAC counter. Follow her on Twitter at @chiffondior.